Manners For The Well-bred Medieval Woman
MANNERS - ETIQUETTE - CONVERSDATION - DEPORTMENT - DRESSING APPROPRIATELY
ACCEPTING GIFTS - TABLE MANNERS - RULES FOR THE TABLE

Medieval manners

Manners were a very important part of a medieval woman's life. The common misconception of a rough and rude society with little polish is a widely-mistaken belief.

It is true that medieval life could be violent and dangerous, but people from all walks of life were bound to adhere to a certain amount of daily courtesy as we do today. To fail to do so was social peril and could cost a person their life for an insult, whether real or perceived, against a person of higher social standing. Meekness in women was seen as a good thing, but we know fromhistory books, that many medieval women were loud, and stood up for themselves, much to the horror of everyone else.

The medieval poem, How The Good Wife Taught Her Daughter gives motherly advice for general deportment in public:

"And when thou goest on thy way,
Go thou not too fast,
Brandish not with thy head,
Nor with thy shoulders cast,
Have not too many words,
From swearing keep aloof.
For all such manners
Come to an evil proof."

Even then, being lady-like and not swearing was encouraged. Of course, that didn't hold true for a lot of women, and the medieval idea of what a swear word actually was, was different to pur own.

Many words some people consider vulgar today, were routinely used, especially those to do with bodily functions.

Social etiquette for the well-bred woman

Social standing and one's place in society was everything in the medieval world. One might hope to advance through material gains, but had little hope to do so without the correct courtesy and manners.

Guibert de Nogent, who lived between approximately c. 1055 – 1124, was a Benedictine who write extensively on history and theology. He wrote about what he saw as the decline in good manners in women in his 12th century society:

"Alas, how miserably... maidenly modesty and honour have fallen off, and the mother's guardianship hath decayed both in appearance and fact, so that in all their behavious nothing can be noted but unseemly mirth, wherin are no sounds but of jest, with winking eyes, and babbling tongues, and wanton gait, and most ridiculous manners.

The quality of their garments is so unlike to the frugality of the past that in the widening of their sleeves, the tightening of their bodiecs, their shoes of cordovan morocco with twisted beaks- nay, in their whole person, we may see how shame is cast aside."

A woman was always expected to be the epitome of good manners no matter what her status in life and the higher a woman was born, the more essential it was for her to act appropriately. The complaining from priests leads us to think that some women did their own thing regardless of what priests wanted.

A good wedding match, her good name in court testimonals, or her standing as a witness depended on a medieval woman's reputation, especially if she was testifying against a man. A woman's word held more weight if she had a lot of assets and had a spotless standing in the community.

Conversation and speech

Manners which were appropriate for a man were not always appropriate for a woman. Indeed, it was completely unseemly that a woman swear for any reason whatsoever. Common women might, but it wasn't good breeding. It would bring great shame upon her father or husband.

The medieval writer, Robert of Blois, admitted that ladies needed to know how to behave, but that it was difficult for women-

"If she speaks, someone says it is too much.
If she is silent, she is reproached for not knowing how to greet people.
If she is friendly and courteous, someone pretends it is for love.
If on the other hand, she does not put on a bright face, she passes for being too proud."

Whatever she did, a women was likely to be criticised for it by someone.

A woman who entered a conversation with a stranger might gain herself a bad reputation for being too free and easy with stranger men and to accept a kiss from a male friend or acquaintance or from a man who is not related by blood or marriage, even on the cheek, would have had tongues wagging and ruined a woman's reputation.

Why did women care about their reputation? In the middle ages, a woman's reputation was everything. Should there be any kind of a legal dispute, or she be a witness in a court case, her good moral reputation would assist in her being taken seriously, not an easy task at best. In cases of sexual assault, a spotless character was more likely (but not always) to get a prosecution. Court records record testimony where what a woman owned, whether she was poor or how she was generally regarded were used to decide if she was telling the truth.

The detail shown here is, at right, from the Holkham bible, MS 47682, folio 16v, manufactured probably in London between around 1327 to 1335.

When it came to chatting with others, one should never address a social superior first, especially if one was a woman, and an appropriate greeting must be given. It was considered the height of rudeness to avert your gaze to a man or woman who ranked higher. Honesty was judged by the directness in the eyes and to hide your face was interpreted as lies, dishonesty and ill-intent.

It was also incredibly rude for a woman to turn her back on a social superior. She should wait for the person to pass or remove herself from the room backwards.

When introducing a person, should there have been no man to do it for her, convention dictated that a woman must introduce the highest rank to the lowest and then vice versa. This is still true for introductions today.

An error in the order of introduction could have been a grave insult indeed. Should a woman have found herself in the company of important people and another important one arrive, she must bow and move away to permit the newcomer the privilege of standing closer.

When a woman entered the house or room of a person of equal standing, a woman ought bow just a little to acknowledge the arrival. If of higher standing, she ought kneel on the right knee. Should a loble women or woman of any other status, have been presented to the Queen, she knelt at the door, entered only halfway and knelt again. Only if she was motioned further might she have gone closer.

It was always better to err on the side of caution, as it was better to appear humble and meek than ill-mannered and rude.

Deportment: How to walk about properly

Women were instructed to be gracious in their deporture and not wriggle their shoulders, looking straight ahead with a tranquil and measured air, not giggling and checking out men as they walked. When out in society, is was important that a woman's hands not be touched by a man who is not of her family. Public displays of affection in the form of hand-holding was quite inappropriate.

Robert de Blois also wrote that

"Ladies should walk erect, with dignity, neither trotting nor running, nor dallying either, with their eyes fixed on the ground ahead of them. They were to be particularly careful that they do not regard men as the sparrowhawk does the lark."

When traveling outside the home, it was acceptable for any woman to walk arm in arm with her female companion or a male member of her family. A woman of good breeding did not venture out alone. As well as not being the proper thing to do, it may have been an issue of personal safety. An unescorted woman might be ravished, as well we see from many court records.

A working woman or a mother in a small peasant household may have cause to go out alone, but only when unavoidable. Where possible, she would send a son on an errand on her behalf or seek the security of another woman's company when going to the bakehouse or to the creek for washing. There's safety in numbers, and numerous court cases exist where women were molested whilst out doing daily chores in lonely places. Or at home. Or on the roads.

Dressing appropriately

Hair for wealthy women was almost certainly to be covered in one of the latest fashions outside the house. For the working class or those who worked outside, a veil or wimple was worn. It not only protected the head from sun and wind, it helped keep hair out of the way while performing manual tasks. Single, young unmarried girls might have their hair out, but sometimes we see them dressed like little Mummy Mini-mes.

For a great deal of the medieval period, to go out with a bare head when one was not a child, could have a woman marked as a prostitute or a women of dubious morals. There is more information about this on the HAIRSTYLES page.

In Italy, this fashion was abandoned earlier than England and other parts of Europe as Italians embraced elaborate braided hairstyles.

Chemise sleeves were never seen in public on a townswoman or upper class Lady. Only if the pin-on sleeves had been removed for manual tasks might they be visible, but a women never left the house or would receive company without first covering her underwear.

Unless one was a washerwoman or a engaged in manual labour, arms were never bare. If a gown with wide sleeves was worn, then another with close fitted sleeves was worn under it to cover the arms. This included farm workers with short-sleeved kirtles on a hot summer's day, as seen in the image at the left, from the Tres Huers du Duk du Berry, Month of June, from the very early 15th century.

At some times and places, the fashion for lower cut gowns were popular. Of course, one who wore her dress too low-cut was again marked for comment and gossip. It was said that a woman's neckline may be low, as low as her armpits, but no lower.

Until the renaissance and Italian fashions took hold, the chemise or smock was an undergarment, meaning that it shouldn't be seen at all, except as we have previously mentioned. A good general rule of thumb was that the under layer was covered by the next: the chemise was covered by the kirtle, the kirtle by the surcote. One would not expect to find a visible chemise under a kirtle neckline or a kirtle neckline under a surcote. Once the late 15th century fashions appeared, it was then permissible to show the chemise as a fashion feature.

Accepting gifts from men

Accepting presents from men was a bit of a minefield for the medieval woman. A woman might accept some things from some people without it being improper.

The decorated ring brooch at left is dated to the 12th or 13th century and is owned by a private collector. It is silver gilt, so not a cheap item despite looking plain to our modern eyes. It is a lovely example of a reasonably basic brooch without gemstones which may be a suitable gift. Brooches like this were often engagement gifts, but a cheaper copy made from copper alloy would have been less of an expensive present to accept, especially in the later centuries.

Some books tell us that women were fickle creatures who accepted gifts without any intention of returning the affection of the gift-giver, and that once a man stopped giving presents, he would lose his lady's favour. With respect to single women, this may be partly true.

Other books tells us that gifts might be accepted as long as it was not done secretly and it was done in the right spirit with no obligation attached.

The Medieval Art of Love by Michael Camille tells us a little about love's gifts, what may and may not be freely given to a lady without being inappropriate.

He tells us of a text by Andreas Capellanus which states-

"A lover may freely accept from her beloved these things- a handkerchief, a hairband, a circlet of gold or silver, a brooch for the breast, a mirror, a belt, a purse, a lace for clothes, a comb, cuffs, gloves, a ring, a little box of scent, a portrait, toiletries, little vases, trays, a standard as a keepsake of the lover, and so to speak more generally, a woman may accept from her love whatever gift may be useful in the care of her person, or may look charming, or may remind her of her lover, providing, however, that in accepting the gift it is clear that she is acting quite without avarice."

Many of these were expensive items, so one assumes they were given by wealthy men to equally wealthy women hoping to curry favour or for social advantage. An upper class gentleman gifting expensive jewellery to a lower class lady was more likely to be seen as hoping to gain sexual favours.

This also gives us an insight into what kinds of items were freely available at that time.

Medieval Table Manners

Medieval people were very religious and prayer was an integral part of the day. A prayer, what we call saying grace, would certainly always be said before any meal even when eating at home. The image at left, comes from Queen Mary Psalter dated 1310, and shows both women and men being served, unusually, by a woman while a male musician provides music.

Hands were always washed both before and after a meal. Even people with little in the way of tableware were conscious of basic hygiene and good manners.

Mothers have, after all, changed very little over the course of time and always sought to instill the best manners she can in her offspring. There is little hope of social improvement with no manners and should one be called upon to serve a person of higher rank, and it was imperative that offense not be given, even unintentionally.

A feast would begin by less important people washing their hands before going to the table. To fail to do so was the height of rudeness. The upper class and guests of honour would be seated by a servant. A washing bowl would be delivered to them at the high table.

The chaplain would say a prayer before any of the food is brought to the tables. Communal plates were usual and meant to serve four people at once. The guests at the high table, however, only had to share with one other person.

The image at right shows a scene from the 1380 Tres belles heures de Notre Dame de Jean de Berry, latine 3093, folio 68 . Interestingly, we see stemmed glassware on the table.

The Roman de la Rose, a famous French poem from the 13th century, gives advice to a woman about her table manners:

"She ought also to behave properly at table. She must be very careful not to dip her fingers in the sauce up to the knuckles, nor to smear her lips with soup or garlic or fat meat, nor to take too many pieces or too large a piece and put them in her mouth.

She must hold the morsel with the tips of her fingers and dip it into the sauce, whether it be thick, thin, or clear, then convey the mouthful with care, so that no drop of soup or sauce or pepper falls on to her chest.

When drinking, she should exercise such care that not a drop is spilled upon her, for anyone who saw that happen might think her very rude and coarse. And she must be sure never to touch her goblet when there is anything in her mouth. Let her wipe her mouth so clean that no grease is allowed to remain upon it, at least not upon her upper lip, for when grease is left on the upper lip, globules appear in the wine, which is neither pretty nor nice."

This advice is still pretty solid today. It basically comes down to eating nicely, not dropping your food all over yourself, , not overstuffing your mouth, wiping your mouth and not grabbing finger foods by the fistful.

Rules from manuscripts about table manners

Gathered here are various rules for the table. They are the same as most of ours today.

- Persons of lower rank stand upon the head of the house and important guests are entering or leaving the room.
- One uses one's own knife which was brought with oneself.
- Forks were cooking utensils. Never eat with them.
- Food is picked up by stabbing with the knife but NEVER did the knife go to the mouth.
- The food must be removed from the knife with the fingertips to eat.
- Do not make many selections and gather them to your plate.
- Keep your elbows off the table while eating.
- Do not belch or spit at the table.
- Do not stuff your mouth full.
- Do not dip meat or fingers directly into the salt bowl. Use the knife tip.
- Do not leave a spoon in a dish when you were finished.
- Do not use the knife to pick your teeth.
- Do not take all the choicest morsels for yourself.
- Meat should be cut from the joint.
- Bread should be cut, not broken and the upper crust offered to the guest.
- It is acceptable to select fruits, tarts and morsels with one's fingers.
- A spoon should be used for broth. Do not lift the plate to your mouth.
- Under no circumstances eat the trencher (plate of stale bread).
- Napkins to be placed over the left shoulder or left wrist and used.
- Do not wipe your mouth on your sleeve- use a napkin.
- Take a cup with both hands to drink if it is shared.
- Wipe your mouth on a napkin before drinking from a shared vessel.
- If you are offered a drink from the host's cup, do not pass the cup around.

 

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